By: John S. Morlu II, CPA
Welcome, aspiring small business owner! You’ve taken the plunge into the glamorous world of entrepreneurship, where the coffee is cold, the stress is high, and the Wi-Fi is always just a little too slow. But fear not! This satirical guide is here to ensure that you not only survive but also thrive—by embracing mediocrity with all the gusto of a well-seasoned corporate middle manager. So, sit back, relax, and let’s dive into the art of running a small business, where the goal is not to succeed, but to look like you’re succeeding. Read and enjoy!
Chapter 1: Vision Statements and Other Delusions of Grandeur
Every successful small business starts with a vision—a grand, sweeping statement that will inspire absolutely no one, but looks fantastic on your website. Remember, the key to a good vision statement is to make it as vague and unachievable as possible. Here’s an example:
“To revolutionize the industry by delivering unparalleled customer experiences that exceed expectations and drive innovation.”
What does it mean? Who cares! The point is to sound profound without actually committing to anything. Plus, it leaves plenty of room for excuses when things inevitably don’t go as planned.
Pro Tip: Don’t forget to plaster your vision statement on the walls of your office. Nothing says “serious business” like staring at a meaningless phrase while you ponder how to pay this month’s rent.
Chapter 2: The Art of Delegation—AKA Passing the Buck
As a small business owner, delegation is your best friend. After all, why do the work yourself when you can hand it off to someone else who is just as clueless as you are? The key is to delegate tasks that are either tedious or likely to fail. That way, when things go wrong (and they will), you have someone else to blame.
Example Scenario:
You’ve got a critical deadline approaching, but the project is behind schedule. No problem! Simply delegate the task to the most overwhelmed employee and watch the chaos unfold. Then, when the client complains, you can say, “I’ll look into this right away. Rest assured, it’s being handled.”
Pro Tip: Use phrases like “empowering my team” and “fostering leadership” to justify your constant delegation. It sounds a lot better than “I don’t want to do it.”
Chapter 3: Marketing—Mastering the Art of Pretending to Innovate
Marketing is all about making a splash without getting wet. In other words, you want to create the illusion of innovation without actually innovating. This can be easily achieved with a few simple tricks:
- Buzzwords Are Your Friend:
Words like “synergy,” “disruption,” and “blockchain” are your ticket to sounding cutting-edge. It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually know what they mean—your customers probably don’t either. Just sprinkle them into your marketing materials, and watch the magic happen. - Redesign Everything, Constantly:
Every few months, roll out a new logo, website, or product packaging. Sure, it’s the same product inside, but who cares? The goal is to keep your brand looking fresh and modern, even if your business model is stuck in the Stone Age. - The Power of the ‘Limited-Time Offer’:
Nothing generates panic-induced sales quite like a fake deadline. Announce a “limited-time offer” every other week, and watch as customers scramble to purchase products they don’t need, all because they think the deal won’t last (even though it will).
Pro Tip: When sales are slow, simply blame the economy, the competition, or even the weather. After all, it’s not your fault that customers don’t recognize genius when they see it.
Chapter 4: Customer Service—The Fine Line Between Helping and Hiding
Ah, customer service—the bane of every small business owner’s existence. The secret to excellent customer service is to make it look like you’re being helpful, while actually doing as little as possible. Here’s how:
- Automated Responses Are Key:
Set up an automated email system that responds to every customer inquiry with a generic “Thank you for your message. We’ll get back to you shortly.” This buys you time to figure out whether you even want to deal with the problem. - The Apology That Isn’t:
When things go wrong (and they will), issue an apology that blames the customer. Something like, “We’re sorry you feel that way,” or “We apologize for any confusion,” subtly shifts the blame back to the customer while still maintaining the illusion of remorse. - The Fine Art of Vanishing:
When a customer’s complaint is too complicated to deal with, simply disappear. Stop answering emails, ignore phone calls, and hope they give up. If they persist, just say, “Our records show we’ve already addressed this issue.”
Pro Tip: Always thank your customers for their “valuable feedback,” even if you have no intention of actually using it.
Chapter 5: The Employee Handbook—A Guide to Keeping Your Team Mildly Satisfied
Running a small business means managing a team of employees who are just as disillusioned as you are. The trick to keeping them from jumping ship is to make them feel like they’re part of something special, even if they’re just cogs in a very rusty machine.
- Offer ‘Perks’ That Aren’t Really Perks:
Unlimited coffee and “casual Fridays” might seem like perks, but let’s be honest—they’re just distractions. Offer these so-called perks, and your employees might forget that they haven’t had a raise in three years. - The Myth of Work-Life Balance:
Preach work-life balance, but never actually allow it. Schedule meetings at 4:30 p.m. on Fridays, send emails at 10 p.m., and expect instant responses. When employees complain, remind them that they’re part of a “family,” and families make sacrifices. - Performance Reviews That Go Nowhere:
Hold regular performance reviews where you give vague feedback like “keep up the good work” or “there’s room for improvement.” This way, you maintain the illusion of development without having to actually make any changes or provide raises.
Pro Tip: Remind your employees that they should be “grateful” to work for such an “innovative” company. After all, where else will they find a job with so much “potential”?
Chapter 6: Financial Management—Creative Accounting for the Small Business Owner
Let’s face it—keeping your finances in order is hard work. But with a few creative strategies, you can make your financial situation look a lot better than it actually is.
- The Magic of Deferred Payments:
Can’t afford to pay your bills this month? No problem! Just push payments to the next month and pretend like you’re flush with cash. It’s like kicking the can down the road, only the can is full of unpaid invoices. - Inflate Your Projections:
When pitching to investors or applying for a loan, make sure to present financial projections that are wildly optimistic. The more zeros, the better! If you fall short later, just blame “unforeseen market conditions.” - Tax Deductions Galore:
Get creative with your tax deductions. That lunch with your friend? Business meeting. That new laptop for your kid? Work expense. Even vacation on the cruise lines. If you can justify it in your mind, you can justify it to the IRS (probably).
Pro Tip: When in doubt, hire an accountant. Not because you want to do things by the book, but because it’s always good to have someone else to blame when the IRS comes knocking.
Chapter 7: Embracing Burnout—The Inevitable Downfall
Finally, no guide to running a small business would be complete without addressing the inevitable burnout that comes from working 80-hour weeks while pretending everything is fine. The key to handling burnout is simple: embrace it. After all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
Pro Tip: When you finally hit the wall and can’t take it anymore, just remember—you can always sell the business and become a consultant. That’s where the real money is, anyway.
Chapter 8: Networking Events—The Art of Talking Without Saying Anything
Networking is a vital part of running a small business. It’s where you pretend to care about other people’s businesses while subtly promoting your own. The key to successful networking is to say a lot without actually saying anything of substance.
- Master the Nod-and-Smile:
When someone is talking about their business, nod and smile as if you’re deeply interested. You don’t actually need to listen—just wait for your turn to speak. - Drop Names Like Confetti:
Mention that you’ve “worked closely” with big industry names, even if “worked closely” means you once attended the same webinar. The goal is to impress, not to tell the truth. - The Follow-Up Email:
After the event, send a generic follow-up email to everyone you met, saying it was “great to connect.” It’s a meaningless gesture, but it keeps the illusion of a relationship alive.
Pro Tip: Always carry a business card, even if your contact details are on every social media platform. There’s something about handing out a little piece of paper that makes you look professional, even if no one ever actually uses it.
Chapter 9: The Illusion of Growth—How to Look Bigger Than You Are
In the world of small business, perception is everything. If you can make your business look bigger than it is, you’re halfway to success. Here’s how:
- The Power of “We”:
Always refer to your business as “we,” even if it’s just you in your pajamas working from your living room. It gives the impression that you have a whole team behind you. - Rent a Virtual Office:
Who needs an actual office when you can rent a virtual one? A prestigious address on your website does wonders for your credibility, even if you’ve never set foot in the building. - Fake It Till You Make It:
Invest in a professionally designed website, snazzy business cards, and a few well-placed press releases. If you look successful, people will assume you are successful.
Pro Tip: When asked about the size of your business, always say, “We’re a small, but growing, team.” It sounds a lot better than “It’s just me and my cat.”
Chapter 10: Exit Strategy—Selling the Dream (and the Business)
Eventually, there comes a time in every small business owner’s life when it’s time to move on. Whether you’re burned out or just tired of pretending to innovate, the key to a successful exit is to sell the dream, not the reality.
- The Pitch:
When selling your business, focus on the “potential” rather than the actual numbers. Talk about the “untapped market opportunities” and the “strategic growth initiatives” you totally would have implemented if you weren’t so busy. - The Handover:
Once you’ve sold the business, hand over everything to the new owner with a big smile and an even bigger sigh of relief. Then, promptly delete all your emails and change your phone number. - Retire to Consultancy:
Congratulations, you’ve made it! Now that you’ve sold your business, you can join the ranks of consultants who charge exorbitant fees to tell other small business owners how to run their companies into the ground—just like you did.
Pro Tip: When asked about your experience, always say, “I successfully exited my business after achieving all my goals.” No one needs to know what those goals actually were.
There you have it—the ultimate guide to running a small business without actually succeeding. Remember, the key is to embrace mediocrity, delegate responsibility, and never, ever stop pretending to innovate. With these tips, you’ll be well on your way to looking like a successful entrepreneur, even if your bank account says otherwise. Good luck, and may the buzzwords be ever in your favor!
Author: John S. Morlu II, CPA is the CEO and Chief Strategist of JS Morlu, leads a globally recognized public accounting and management consultancy firm. Under his visionary leadership, JS Morlu has become a pioneer in developing cutting-edge technologies across B2B, B2C, P2P, and B2G verticals. The firm’s groundbreaking innovations include AI-powered reconciliation software (ReckSoft.com) and advanced cloud accounting solutions (FinovatePro.com), setting new industry standards for efficiency, accuracy, and technological excellence.
